My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
