so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Randomize
