Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
