the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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