I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
