So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
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