My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Randomize
