I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
