I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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