Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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