we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Randomize
