She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
tell your sister to shave her snatch
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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