They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
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