he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
