I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
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