my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
it was like his penis was on wheels.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
