My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
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