Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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