i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
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