I need help removing her.
Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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