My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Randomize
