So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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