worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
True strength comes from lack of pants
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
Randomize
