Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
it's great music for shaving your balls
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Randomize
