At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
My bed smells like the plague
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