hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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