Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
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