I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
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