so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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