Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I could fuck to npr.
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
