He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
