What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
Randomize
