I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
