Ambien. No doubt about it.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Randomize
