fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
Randomize
