Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
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