Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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