i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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