My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
When did angry sex become our thing?
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Drunk is a universal language darling
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
