if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Randomize
