I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
