Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
