Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Randomize
