The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Randomize
