Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
