when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Randomize
