I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Randomize
