Screwed.edu
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Randomize
