I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
dude. I can hear the air.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
