Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
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