It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
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