Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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