I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Randomize
