Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Randomize
