just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
