I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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