Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Randomize
