she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Is Oprah even human
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
